Pink milk

mindfuck

2009-12-29T08:09:00.000-08:00

'We fell down so many times, I think I'm tired of thinking everything will work out - well it finially all worked out - but its not the same. Everything has changed, although it won't appeat that way, and the future can't be worked out. No, it never has been worked out.'

I will wait forever for you if that's how long it takes.

jokes

2009-12-18T14:18:00.000-08:00

http://www.formspring.me/reneeettles

This could end fairly grimout haha.

summerboy.

2009-12-14T13:51:00.000-08:00

So, im sitting alone, in my best friends room while hes out, and yet i know hes not here but just being in here is comforting. I've been disgustingly grim to him the last 2 days due to psm-ing and other general dire situations and I feel terrible cause he's only ever nice to me. For example, he cancelled going out and doing something to be with me cause he knows I needed him. Note to self, show more appreciation.

Gone.

2009-12-05T14:18:00.000-08:00

It's taken this to make me realise just how easily things slip through your fingers. One minuite you're here and the next you're gone. Sudden death syndrome I think they called it, or a heart attack, I dont think anyone really knows, i dont think it matters. More than anything else im feeling at the moment, im angry. Angry at myself for letting us drift appart, angry that I never put in enough effort to see you more often, especially as we used to talk all the time. I'm sorry for that and i know you cant read this, but, i am, i am sorry that i didn't see you more. It's disgusting how much im going to miss our pet names, and your sense of humour, and you. Just you.

Fate fell short this time, your smile fades in the summer, place your hand in mine, i'll leave when i wanna.

Shame

2009-12-01T06:08:00.000-08:00

I thought i was over this, apparently not. It scares me how comforting it was staring into the toilet bowl again. It's just the sound that gets me, god i hate that sound, and the watery eyes and the need to brush my teeth like 200 times when im done.

Ive got more determination than i've ever had in my life. I will get what i want if it kills me.

Settings

2009-11-25T16:24:00.000-08:00

Dont you dare tell me that nothing matters. Everything matters, every fucking drop of rain, every ray of sunlight, every whisp of cloud matters and they matter cause i can see them and if i can see them, they can see me, and i know theres an entire world out there that cares, hiding behind a world that doesnt, afraid to show who it really is and with or without you, i will drag that world out of the dirt and the blood and the muck until we live in it, until we all live in it.

Castles

2009-11-25T16:09:00.001-08:00

And I want to play hide and seek, give you my clothes, tell you I love your shoes, sit on the steps when you take a bath and massage your neck, kiss your face and hold your hand and go for a walk and hug you when your anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when im next to you, and whimper when im not, melt when you smile, dissolve when you laugh and wander who you are but accept you anyway. I wander the city thinking but im empty without you, I want what you want and think im losing myself. But i'll tell you the worst of me, and try and give you the best of me, becasue you dont deserve any less. I'll answer your questions when i'd rather not and tell you the truth when I really dont want to and i'll try to be honest becasue I know you prefer it. So just hang on for just ten more minuites before you throw me out of your life, forget who i am, and try to let me get closer to you and somehow communicate some of the over-whelming, undying, over-powering, unconditional, all-encompassing, heart-enriching, mind expanding, on-going, never ending, love i have for you..

d.o.a

2009-11-25T15:57:00.000-08:00

Go on, accuse me of existing in a castle. Go on and say i'll finially be woken and broken, when im sorely dissapointed with how life really is, how the real world is. But dont you see? You call me a dreamer and i'll call you comfortable. While im on my adventures, you'll be safe with your ego and your hiding beneath the skin of an unlearned warrior. Oh god, he makes being lost look so good and so good is better than nothing at all.

Sinking Feeling.

2009-11-25T15:49:00.000-08:00

We all have dreams,

They are unbreakable,

This world is ours,

This ships unsinkable.

///////

2009-11-25T15:43:00.000-08:00

They're chubby, bald, steak eating, cigar smoking, type A pigs, who get more turned on by the bloomberg wire than by any hot nannies. Actually, its all of you in about 5 years time. So take it from me; enjoy tonight becasue your future looks pretty fucking bleak.

Books

2009-11-25T15:14:00.000-08:00

I miss reading very much, so ive compiled a list of books that i would like to read, it goes as follows;
Dear Diary - Lesley Arfin
Twilight-Stephenie Meyer
Junk-Melvin Burgess
No-one Belongs Here More Than You-Miranda July
World War Z-Max Brooks
The Catcher In The Rye-J.D.Salinger
The Trick Is To Keep Breathing-Janice Galloway
Prozac Nation-Elizabeth Wurtzel
The Virgin Suicides-Jeffery Eugenides
Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs-Chuck Klosterman
Learning To Love You More-Miranda July
The Perks OF Being A Wallflower-Stephen Chbosky
I Was Told There'd Be Cake-Sloane Crosley

Im certain theres more aswell.

Quite.

2009-11-17T11:40:00.000-08:00

Hey, You and I are going to have a big love affair and it wont work but somewhere in the middle, my god we tried.

English Way

2009-11-17T11:26:00.000-08:00

You can find your hope amongst the crowds of all the people you've let down. We'll find a way to make this okay. We always skipped through the nights. It's all that we need to and maybe it's all we could ever need just to make us feel alive. You are the one, the only one, you are the one the only one, the one, the one. You are the one, the only one, you are the one the only one, the one, the one. I will never give up on you for all the times you've sat and sang to me, tried to make me better. So now i'll try to let you know that this is the English way to make a soul fit back together. Please don't speak these words, just save them. Walk with me and take a trip. We'll only stop for water and some other things. We always skipped through the nights. It's all that we need to and maybe it's all that we'll ever need, just to make us feel alive. You are the one, the only one, you are the one the only one, the one, the one. You are the one, the only one, you are the one the only one, the one, the one. I will never give up on you for all the times you've sat and sang to me, tried to make me better. So now i'll try to let you know that this is the English way to make a soul fit back together. Too many lives have been lost unto all this, of too many people that have lost their voices. I will never give up on you for all the times you've sat and sang to me tried to make me better. So now i'll try to let you know that this is the English way to make a soul fit back together.

Moderation

2009-11-12T14:20:00.000-08:00

Everything is okay in moderation. Only problem with this, is that i dont want you in moderation.

In all honestly, i dont know how i feel about you. Yeah 'that' happened, and i dont regret it, but i dont think i want to call you my boyfriend. You're lovely, and you make me smile, and you're good in bed, and you're kind, and you make an effort to talk to me, we get on, have things in common, you live close, you get on with the same sort of people that i do, but, you're just not...it. I dont know, well i do, im comparing you to someone else, and its no fault of your own, but you will never be them. No-one will ever be them. I think i just enjoy someone liking me more than i like them for a change.

I'd like to think i have alot to say, but i dont, and im almost certain that im the only one who reads these anymore anyway.

On the plus side, i won a blackberry at work, joy of joys.

manflu

2009-11-08T10:15:00.000-08:00

Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited, it is never rude or selfish it does not take offence and is never resentful, love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse to trust, to hope, and to enure whatever comes.

I'm dying in bed again.

november 1st.

2009-11-01T07:14:00.000-08:00

"Success is not built on success, it is built on hardship and failure. You're gonna have to learn how to lose before you can win. You're gonna have to learn how to sink, before you can swim"

today

2009-10-22T15:03:00.000-07:00

I got a text from you, I haven't spoken to you in months, you messed me around more than anyone else ever has for like 2 years. I don't know how you got my number. What is your problem. I'm so over it.

(Part of me was happy to hear from you. Most of me wants you to crawl back under a rock.)

:)

2009-10-22T14:57:00.000-07:00

There will always be a place for you in my heart.

Torn

2009-10-20T06:29:00.000-07:00

I'm having one of those days where I'm feeling really really under appreciated. Well I say one of them days but its been a while now. I just feel like I put a lot of energy into other people and they just totally can't be bothered with me. Now I'm not trying to make out like I do shit loads of stuff for everyone, cause I don't. But I do put a fair bit of effort into trying to talk to people, making sure people know how much I appreciate them and generally trying to be a good friend to those people that I care about. Its really starting to feel like I'm the only one who cares. I don't mean that I want constant reassurance that I'm appreciated but its times like there's where short text or message on facebook or even a 5 minuite phonecall would be nice. An 'i miss you' or 'love you' or 'i do care' every now and again would be nice. I just want to feel like I'm not totally on my own, I can't remember the last time someone rang me when they said they would, or the last time someone actually just rang me not me having to ring them. Maybe even just a hug without there having to be a reason for it would be nice now and again. I swear this is not too much to ask.

divine intervention.

2009-10-11T12:39:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I killed a potential child.
It freaks me out how little I care.
Also, I've had mellow magic on for like an hour now.
Equally I have had a haircut, and some blondie bits put in.
I'm still yet to see the finished result.
My cat is asleep on me for the first time in like 2 years.
House hunting is stressful.

Fully Alive.

2009-10-10T14:45:00.000-07:00

She said 'ive gotta be honest you're wasting your time if your fishing round here.' I said 'You must be mistaken im not fooling, this feeling is real.' She said you've gotta be crazy, what do you take me for some kind of easy mug.' You've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion but i swear you've got me all wrong. I'll be true, i'll useful, i'll be cavalier, I'll be yours my dear and ill belong to you, if you just let me through. This is easy as lovers go so dont complcate it by heasitiating. This is wonderful as loving goes. This is tailor made, whats the sense in waiting? And i said:
'I've gotta be honest, ive been waiting for you all my life.'

Im having the worst day ever. I haven't blogged in ages, i hate not having a laptop and i hate living in this house, and working a crappy 9-5 dead end job and i hate feeling so lonely all the time. I hate not being noticed and i hate crying and i hate how curly my hair is naturally. I hate rain, and i hate wind and i hate being cold. I hate the song thats just come on my ipod, i hate having no-one to talk to, although this is partially my fault due to the fact i hate people knowing how i feel. I hate that this crappy blogger app doesn't have spell check and that it probably wont post this unless i try 20 times.

I just didnt realise that we could save you, youre bitter cause you lost out, so why dont you sit this one out, its better if you let go than taking the easy way home.
Listening to this song and crying on a saturday night, what a life.

You have no idea how utterly rediculous I am.
On the plus side, I just figured out how to blog using the proper blogger site, hooray for html.
If I listen to any more luke pickett I am going to commit suicide.
Never ever again am I going to not be safe, this is where it leaves you, an emotional wreck, this is like 20 periods all at once. I hope every male that reads this smiles to themselves and congratulates themselves on not being born with a womb.

hola again

2009-10-02T10:39:00.000-07:00

I have no laptop thus making this difficult unless im at someone elses house, like now, hello woody :)
yes getting paid, nonono my parents wanting rent now.

Things are okay at the moment, but i will have a ranty blog when im not in the presence of others.
That is all for now.

mmm

2009-09-16T14:55:00.001-07:00

Difficult

2009-09-10T14:42:00.001-07:00

my laptop is broken at the moment, so blogging is hard :(

Difficult

my laptop is broken at the moment, so blogging is hard :(

Wallflower.

2009-09-03T12:10:00.000-07:00

When we got out of the tunnel, Sam screamed this really funny scream, and there it was. Downtown. Lights on buildings and everything makes you wonder. Sam sat down and started laughing. Patrick started laughing. I started laughing. And in that moment, i swear we were infinite.

Im going to invest in an excersise machine when i get paid tomorrow, and i swear to god im not going to stop until im skinny. Being skinny is on my mind like, 99.9% of the time. Dire.

Oh Alice,

2009-09-03T11:34:00.000-07:00

This aint wonderland anymore.

Nervous

2009-09-03T11:19:00.000-07:00

I'm broke, but I'm happy. I'm poor, but I'm kind. I'm short, but I'm healthy. Yeah I'm high, but I'm grounded. I'm sane, but I'm overwhelmed. I'm lost, but I'm hopeful. I feel drunk, but I'm sober. I'm young and I'm underpaid. I'm tired, but I'm working. I care, but I'm worthless. I'm here, but I'm really gone. I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby. I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is flicking a cigarette. I'm free, but I'm focused. I'm green, but I'm wise. I'm shy, but I'm friendl. I'm sad, but I'm laughing. I'm brave, but I'm chicken shit. I'm sick, but I'm pretty and what it all boils down to is that no one's really got it figured out just yet .

hi, how can i help?

2009-09-01T11:06:00.001-07:00

2 hours 48 minuites

Work is killing me, slowly but surely. It really stresses me out that one of the guys i work with is always complaining about having to work certin days, for example, he was complaining about having to work friday and saturday. I work friday saturday, sunday and sometimes monday pretty much every single week, so he just needs to shut the hell up. I wish i could be one of those people that follows their dream job, or even someone who knows exactly what they want to do with their lives, but i honestly have no clue. I think i would really love anything media or photography related, and i would love to rekindle my love for textiles, but its just never going to happen, I lack the skill and creativity to do anything of that sort.

Envy

2009-08-31T10:19:00.000-07:00

Dear stranger, i would kill to look like you.

Mobile

2009-08-31T10:15:00.000-07:00

I dont really have a word to describe how i feel at the moment. I feel like i could be sick, but its the feeling of butterflies in my tummy, yet im perfectly well. I could sleep, but im not particularly tired, i could go out but i dont really want to see anyone, i want a cuddle but i dont want contact. Im excited and worried, but i dont really care about anything all at the same time. I feel like "blah" impersonated.

Prowl

2009-08-30T16:31:00.000-07:00

Today is not a happy blog, not a sad one either, just a sick and tired one. I have genuinly had enough of everything.

Today at work not only was i perved on by a random man of indian pursuasion, using the phrase "your chest is nice" to depart with, the song Perfect 10 by The Beautiful South came on. Since that song has been on, all i have been able to think about is how fucking untrue it is. Complete and utter bollocks. No-one wants a size 12, or a size 10. Unless your super skinny and have perfect hair, you are destined to spend ahell of alot of time alone. I am totally and utterly fed up of the way i look. It's just totally not alright anymore. I refuse to just accept that im not one of the pretty skinny girls. I will get skinny if i die trying. Me and food are officially divorced, and i even whacked out the ol' 30 minuites a day work out dvd. Lets not even get started on my hair either. Black, what the hell am i thinking? Im not 13 anymore, the emo/goff look isnt cool anymore, and it wasnt then, and god knows what posessed me to dye it this atrocios colour. And my skin, im yellow. No joke. Grim. Grim. Grim.

Also, i basically just got called a slag by my dad. Which is always a wonderful way to end and already amazingly lame day.

In better news, i told my parents i smoke. They took it supprisingly well.
Other highlights and lowlights of the say included;

Working all day and it being dead all day, creepy men, not having spoken to woody all day therefore having no way to vent my emotion and no cuddles, cotching at georges and having mega cuddles* before his friends turned up**, being called a slag, not having any tea, lacking in money, finding out i have to work everyday this week, including the bank holiday, people ruining what had the potential to be a mood of the day changing experience and having to wake up in 6 hours.

*this actually was a highlight
**until this happened and i felt really socially awkward.

Sega

2009-08-29T14:35:00.000-07:00

Nothing to report today.
Except that i discovered a new found love for near ibbling. Thats ear nibbling in lamens terms.

Ordinary

2009-08-28T14:17:00.000-07:00

I think you're wonderful.

Farmville

2009-08-28T13:43:00.000-07:00

"hey sexxxxyyyy."

I just gave woody the link to this blog, only person other than isa that ive ever done that too, im quite aprehensive haha. I suppose it can only be a good thing. Ive been instructed to post our only photo ever on here, so;

Can you see the love? :)

Anyhow, more pressing issues. Im sorry, but you are not a sister to me. I know the only reason you added me on facebook is because russell probably told you too. I care about the lot of you about as much as i care for rain so stop being all like i miss you i want to see you. Where the hell was russell when i ran away from home at 14 and rang him crying trying to get him to help me. Fucking nowhere. "I cant come im at work." Proper father you are. Maybe its the fact that you have never been there for me, or maybe its that fact that your a violent self obsessed manipulative human being that makes me dislike you, or maybe im just unforgiving, either way, i would appreciate if you all left me alone. Granted i know you will never read this, but i can quite happily say i would tell you this all to your face if i wasnt so disgusted by you.

ps. mega money making scheme, but shhhh i cant share with anyone.

Bones

2009-08-27T14:03:00.000-07:00

Standing by a broken tree, her hands are all twisted. She's pointing at me. I was damned by light coming over, as see she spoke with a voice that dissrupted the sky, she said "Hold on lover, don't be ashamed I will wrap you in my arms and you'll know you're safe."

Changing.

2009-08-27T08:35:00.000-07:00

I remember the day i took this photo, Brighton beach, 2006. This was the time where my parents decided that they wanted to move away from here and head to the seaside. I had never been so scared in my life, everything about the prospect terrified me, yet the excitement was overwhelming. Thankfully it all fell through and i never left good old H' town. It's quite funny how different things were in 2006, but i wouldnt change how things are now for anything in the world. Im like, the happiest i've ever been. It's funny how people change, im not half the person i was 3 years ago, and im not half the person i will be in 3 years. Close friends are now an aggrivating waste of time and people who i never thought i'd be close with are amazing friends. Ex-boyfriends are best friends, and best friends got boyfriends. Facebook has taken over Myspace and short hair got long. Quiet people are louder, and the loud people are still annoying and things are still changing.

Im having the time of my life.

Cocktail

2009-08-26T10:28:00.000-07:00

I finially have that feeling of complete content. I've got a job, and finially a stable group of friends who like me for me and look out for me. Its nice to have that again.

Carefree

2009-08-21T05:00:00.000-07:00

No-body deserves to feel lonely, but those drugs you got wont make you feel better.

Love

2009-08-20T09:42:00.000-07:00

I love your pretty smile, I love your style, I love to be able to see that you are glamourous from a mile. I love the way you look, I love the way you cook, I spend alot of hours watching your pictures on the facebook. I love to buy you flowers, I love our hot showers, I can watch you sleeping for hours and hours, I love the way you dance, the way you shake that ass, but the thing I love the most is coming on your face. Suck it bitch.

Emotion is overrated.

Oh and, Dear male species, i totally dig your unnatural ability to anger me in every way.

A*

2009-08-20T09:29:00.000-07:00

Do i stress you out? My sweater is on backwards and inside out and you say "how appropriate."

It's finially that fateful day that most 17-18 year olds have been dreading for the last 8 months. Results day. I would happily share my results with the world, had i had the stability to stay in sixthform or collage for more than 3 months before sucessfully dropping out and being a bum. I am destined to work in voda for the rest of my life.

Boats and Birds

2009-08-18T13:24:00.000-07:00

If you'll be my star, i'll be your sky, you can hide underneath me and come out at night, when I turn jet black and you show of your light, I live to let you shine, and you can sky rocket away from me, and never come back if you find another galaxy far from here, with more room to fly, just leave me your stardust to remember you by.
I would love to have my own personal moon, just one all for myself. One thats always there when i need some light, or something to look up to, or something to wish on.

You know the kind of parent that wants to live through you, yet when you want to do your own thing its not allowed, the kind of parent where, it doesnt matter how good your day was, or how happy you are when you come home, within 10 minuites, they have obliterated any happiness and drained you, yeah, thats my parents.

Earl Grey

2009-08-18T10:54:00.000-07:00

I am the mad hatter, I can have my cake and eat it.

Bubblegum and Cotton Candy

2009-08-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

Finding lost Barry M nailvarnish has officially made my life complete, but on a more serious note, i have recently had the sudden realisation that i am losing one of my best friends, this isnt intentional, and it certainly isnt anyones fault, i still love him to pieces, and i know he still loves me, but with with his upcoming relationship with someone who shall remain unnamed, and my strengthened bond with an old friend, we have kinda drifted our seperate ways, and my god do i miss him. Now by no means am i trying to replace said friend, as i have been accused of recently by various outsiders. It just so happens that things have worked out like this, kind of a strange coincidence. As for people having an opinion on the matter, i really dont care all that much.

I do miss our tea dates more than anything though and that feeling of being totally comfortable with someone. But i suppose he will have tea dates with her, and i'll learn to feel entirely comfortable with my friend, saying that, i already i do. I dont know what it is about that kid, i think i just know im safe around him, he makes me feel comfortable and cared for. He's the kind of person i know i can run crying too and he would comfort me not laugh casue my hairs gone curly or my makeups run. The kind of person i dont need to run and fix my face with after waking up the morning after a messy night. The kind of person who i know likes me for me, nothing more, nothing less. Although obviously i will never tell him any of this because he will think im soppy and girly, but deep down i think he knows he means alot to me, atleast, i hope he does.

ps, i need this bag.

Bonjour.

2009-08-13T13:57:00.000-07:00

Due to my amazing talent at forgetting everything, i totally forgot this blog existed until a good friend of mine was telling me i should start a blog after i made the announcement that i was going to purchase one new thing a week. Suffice to say, that went well to start and then my workplace decided they wanted to ruin my life and havent been paying me. But alas, here is attempt two at keeping a good blog.

Dear Betsy, thank you for bringing this beaut into my life, from now on i will never have to draw a brio watch on and have the time constantly set to 10 past mole.

Nothing tastes as good

2009-05-27T14:12:00.000-07:00

as thin feels.

But honestly, im starting to think being overweight would be worth these.

I wish i could remember the last time i felt the wonder and fascination of being at a funfair, with hook the duck and the bumper cars. I love that feeling of awe.